


I'm Hoping at the Gates They'll Tell Me that Your Mine

by Trivelino



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2018-01-01 11:06:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trivelino/pseuds/Trivelino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester remembers his angel in a variety of ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Hoping at the Gates They'll Tell Me that Your Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Note: This fic was written with episodes before and up to 8.02 in mind.  
> Also. I am so sorry that this is so sad.  
> Really.  
> Sorry about that. 
> 
> Also Also. I originally uploaded this fic on LJ and got some comments that Dean was kind of OC, so I'll put that warning here.  
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

**First he unscrews the magazine tube end cap, pulls back the action bar, and pops off the barrel.**

His first memory of The Angel is inside of that barn. The Angel is a contradiction; magnificent and terrifying, beautiful and dangerous.

There are unnaturally dark shadows stretching across the walls, constricting the space and making him claustrophobic. They look like the wings of something impossible. He thinks they can’t be real.

His bones vibrate under his skin and his heart pounds in his throat. He can’t recall when his instincts kicked in and he surged forward to stab the strange being in the chest. But he does remember thinking

_‘This is what it must feel like to be in awe’_

**Pushes out the indent pin, and releases the trigger mechanism.**

His first memory of The Soldier is more fragmented; it comes in bits and pieces. The Soldier is the asshole sent to kill Anna, to destroy towns of innocent people, to make him torture, and keep him on a fucking leash.

The Soldier doesn’t care about the moral implications of his actions, doesn’t even think of them, not when it comes to doing right by his family. The Soldier’s father is God and his home is Heaven.

The Soldier listened obediently with unwavering faith, regardless of the consequences of his actions. He thinks he hates The Soldier. He also thinks

_‘The soldier is just like me’_

**Then the firing pin mechanism comes out; one piece out the bottom, the actual pin through the barrel hole, last piece – the carrier- follows the first.**

His first memory of Castiel cracks through the surface of the soldier sometimes; Castiel wavers, questions, and cares in a way that surprises him, in a way he didn’t think angels could.

Castiel confides in him all the insecurities and doubt, the anger towards heaven and the distrust in his brothers and sisters; but only when it is just the two of them, alone.

Castiel thinks he is special; sometimes because heaven tells him so, sometimes all on his own. The others think Castiel has feelings for him, and when Castiel saves him from the Green Room, when Castiel kills the angels, threatens Zachariah, and finally rebels, he thinks they might be right. He thinks

_‘I’m afraid I care about you too buddy’_

**He grabs the bore brush, runs it through the barrel. Slathers some cleaner on, and repeats.**

His first memory of Cas -not the nickname ‘Cas’, but CAS-is at the brothel. Cas is innocent, naïve, and endlessly frustrated at the perplexities of humanity. Cas’ dark hair is always a little too messy, tie is always crooked, trench coat too big, and eyes too blue.

He insists that Cas needs to learn about humanity. Cas needs to appreciate everything they are fighting for. He says he wants Cas to be more human, to get his jokes, like his music, and to maybe eat some pie.

In reality all he wants is for Cas to stay just the way he is; making hookers yell at him, and restaurant staff stare in confusion. His face is flush, his grin is wide, and heart is swollen as they run out of that brothel. Cas thinks he could learn to really love humanity. He thinks

_‘I could really learn to love Cas’_

**Wipes the barrel with a rag, squirts on some rust preventive lubricant, and runs it through a couple of times.**

His first memory of having a Best Friend is in an alley with his back grating against a brick wall. His Best friend beats the living shit out of him; throws furious punches to his head and stomach, screams at him for all the damage he has done.

‘I gave everything for you, and this is what you give to me?’ –He remembers the words, they stung like acid. His best friend almost breaks his jaw and kicks him hard enough to break his ribs. He thinks his Best Friend might kill him, and he begs for it to happen.

His Best Friend takes him home, his Best Friend hurts him so he can’t hurt himself. His Best Friend fell for him, and now refuses to live without him. He thinks

_‘I can’t live without you either’_

**The trigger mechanism and the firing pin mechanism are cleaned with a Q-tip and a drop of oil. Excess wiped away.**

His first memory of his Lover exists outside of time. It exists in shitty hotel rooms and the back of the impala, in small town diners and truck stop restrooms. His lover is inexperienced but oh so voracious and he couldn’t ask for anything more.

His Lover’s eyes are ocean blue, and skin radiates the energy of the sun. His lover is beautiful, and he indulges his hands to touch every bit, and his mouth to taste every part. He has watched his Lover moan and scream and whine under his ministrations, and has let his Lover take him heights of ecstasy he never knew existed.

He has lain upon his Lover’s chest, not cuddled… just laid, with his Lover’s arms wrapped around him tight; like letting go might mean he’d run away. He thinks

_‘I will never leave you’_

**Good as new.**

His first memory of Betrayal is the moment it walked into that lake with a trench coat dragging behind it. He wouldn’t let himself accept what was happening before that moment.He promised himself he would stop the Betrayal; he threatened Betrayal, and pleaded with Betrayal.

Betrayal claimed to be God, and punished him when he refused to agree. Betrayal ruined his brother’s mind, shattered his faith, and broke his heart in an unfixable way.

Betrayal eroded into an oily black mess; leaving wrath in its wake and emptiness in his chest. He is left thinking Nothing.

There is no room to think.

**The carrier goes back in, firing pin slides back through the barrel hole, and that first piece pops back into the bottom.**

His first memory of Salvation is the day he met Emmanuel. He came to find a man to fix his brother and left with something more. His Salvation remembered, remembered everything; and as salvation does, set to make the world right.

His Salvation gave up everything, once again, for him. Salvation gave him his brother back and in the process almost destroyed itself.

Salvation was there and alive and broken, Salvation needed him as much as he needed Salvation. But the world was still in chaos and all that he’s allowed to think is

_‘I will come back for you’_

**He replaces the trigger mechanism, pushes the pin back in.**

His first memory of the Insanity is making fart jokes and talking about bees. Insanity wanted a kitten and decided his powers were best used to spread love and peace and make sandwiches instead of fight a war at the end of the fucking world.

The Insanity had already ruined everything, everything! Hell, Insanity is the reason they were in the hopeless mess to begin with, the reason for Sammy’s head, and Bobby’s death and his heart.

Insanity didn’t want to help either; no matter how much he begged. Insanity believed it caused too much harm, that there was nothing to be done. Insanity gave up, felt useless. He was angry, frustrated, and hurt, and he can’t help thinking

_‘Nobody cares that you’re broken’_

**Places the barrel back on, pulls the action bar forward, and screws closed the end cap.**

His first memory of Forgiveness is in Purgatory. Forgiveness is on the tip of his blade as he slits into the throats of the monsters, on the edge of his axe as he sledges it into the sides of their heads, and all over his hands as he rips into their flesh.

Forgiveness is on the tip of his tongue each time he grabs one of those fuckers by the hair, ties them to a tree, or hangs them from their necks and screams ‘WHERE THE FUCK IS THE ANGEL?’

Forgiveness is by a river, in his eyes and in his smile. Forgiveness is warm in his arms, even though it doesn’t want to be there. Forgiveness wants him to leave, to save himself. But he has to think

_‘I can save you too’_

**Loads a round into the magazine tube and pumps the slide.**

His first memory of the End is the moment the life started to fade out of his angel’s eyes. The moment his soldier had finally stopped fighting, and the moment Castiel, Cas, was dragged away from him by the horrors of purgatory, even though they both fought so hard.

The End took away his best friend, his lover, his betrayer, his savior; and left his throat sore with screams and eyes red with tears and chest heavy with a stupid promise that he would keep going, get himself out of there in one piece.

The End leaves him a shell of a human being on Earth, one who fights until all the demons have gone back to hell, until Sammy finds a family, and he no longer serves a purpose.

After that, he doesn’t think anymore.

**He puts the barrel in his mouth.**

End.


End file.
